but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
