i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
