Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
