i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
