dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
