just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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