fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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