i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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