ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
