Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize