Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
