Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
