I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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