When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just threw up on my dentist
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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