my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Randomize
