end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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