Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
