Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
