oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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