96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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