Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
