1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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