I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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