he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
