my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
