i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
