hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
