Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
