Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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