PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
