I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
