Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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