I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
