Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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