I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
When are your genitals available?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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