so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
