my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
