How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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