I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
