sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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