When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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