I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
