I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
