forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
