sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
