How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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