im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
