that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
zippers are such a cool invention
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
