Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
