Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
