My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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