This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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