remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
