man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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