We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
