I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
