Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
