have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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