I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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