remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Naked Twister starts at high noon
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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