the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
