She's the barista slut.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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