He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
