A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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