these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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